"Cold and Dark" is a brand new and well-intended British horror/action flick with that may count on ambitious cast & crew members, a dozen of semi-good ideas and a couple of impressive special effects. Unfortunately the script and elaboration are far too messy to make it become a memorable film and I simply can't recommend it wholeheartedly, even though I really wanted to. The story revolves on two macho buddy cops (luckily they wear their badges around the neck, because they looked more like dock workers to me) who put a lot of time and effort in unraveling a network of human smuggling. The brains behind these illegal atrocities naturally are well protected and thus every action taken by our heroic cops turns out pointless. Until one day, officer Shade survives a mysterious incident in a freezer (I still haven't figured out what exactly happened there) and all of a sudden he enjoys monstrous powers. From then on, the two no longer await a boring trial and they make sure every villain's live quickly comes to a bloody end. You can tell that the "vigilante cop" premise isn't exactly original and the monstrous touch is, in fact, the only more or less inventive aspect. And then still this movie fails to impress because of its many boring sequences and the completely illogical structure featuring at times. The rough camera-work and voice-over are a little too obviously stolen from other "cool" films like "Snatch" or "The Boondock Saints", while the top-notch sound effects often miss their effect. And yet, there are several positive elements to detect in this production! A few sequences are downright dazzling (like the first massacre, set in a filthy restroom) and there are some delightfully absurd characters introduced. Like Dr. Elgin who seems to have escaped the Men in Black cast or the typically Scottish commissioner who yells really loud whenever he speaks and compares his police squad with a set of golf clubs. The black humor certainly is the biggest trump of this film. I would label this "Cold and Dark" a missed opportunity but I reckon Andrew Goth has the potential to grow as a director. This is only his second film after "Everybody Loves Sunshine", starring David Bowie.

Two violent English cops fight crime until one of them is infected with some supernatural parasite that makes him crave the taste of human flesh. The violence continues, but in a slightly different way.

The first thing that struck me about this film is the use of a blue lens, which seems to be a new fad in horror movies. "Saw III" used a similar tint, and I know I've seen it a few other places, as well. While I like the mood the tint brings out, this technique is becoming too obvious for me and I hope the fad goes away in a year or two because it's just going to get old.

Horror fans who like gore will like this movie, or at least like the gore in this movie, because there's plenty of it. In one scene, a man is waiting at a glory hole to get a little sausage. Moments later, plenty of fluid comes through the hole, but not what he was expecting. Minutes later, another man is shoved through a wall right in front of a hysteric small child, his face mangled to all hell. The violence continues like this for most of the film.

By the way, I also enjoyed the glory hole scene for its use of a Rubik's cube, which I haven't seen used effectively in a movie since the 1985 Chuck Norris flop, "Code of Silence". (Yes, I found a way to reference Chuck Norris in a horror film review.)

I was a bit distracted by the English accents, which are fairly thick and the volume is not loud enough to help you make the words distinct. This is sort of like "Trainspotting", but I found this even less easy to adjust to. I almost would have welcomed some Americans dubbing voices over the top of the film, despite my dislike of dubbing.

The director (Andrew Goth?) knows how to film a scene and get right where he needs to be. Early on during a rooftop scene, he implements some dynamite overhead directing, as if from a helicopter or from Superman's point of view. It was very nice, and much more than you usually get from people you've never heard of. Another reviewer said that Goth, "displays a strong visual style and a good eye for interesting camera angles," which I think is a great way to say it.

The movie sadly suffered from a convoluted plot, where I asked myself "who are these characters?" a few times. Earlier people are already forgotten by the middle of the film, and you aren't really sure what the underlying plot actually is. If the first half is drug dealers who don't show up in the second half, and the second half is about a parasite that never shows up until 43 minutes into the film, where is the consistent story? Also, another reviewer called the movie "well-made but intensely boring" and I would not necessarily disagree. While I was not bored, the lack of connection to the movie made it more difficult to get into what should have been a breathtakingly beautiful work of art.

I also never even figured out who the two main characters were, which I think is a huge drawback. I know the cops are named Dark and Shade, rather than Dark and Cold as you would expect, but I did not know which was which throughout most of the first half. I am pretty sure no background on them was offered and we had no reason to give a fig about either one of them.

I would recommend this film to others, mostly because I would like to hear more opinions on it. I think with some minor tweaking this would have been a great movie, and I hate to dismiss it out of hand on a whim. I would give it a second viewing just to be more sure of my thoughts on the movie. It is not bad, but I'm not sure if I can say it's great. Until further examination, I leave this film with a slightly-above-average grade.

When Detective Mortimer Shade is somehow killed in a freezer, a parasite called a grail possesses his body, revives him, but he needs blood to stay alive. His partner John Dark accepts the new situation and together they become vigilantes, judging and killing the bad guys, with Shade sucking their blood with his claw. However, Dark notes that Shade is losing the rest of his humanity and becoming a monster, being aware and afraid of the danger Shade represents to mankind and trying to stop him.

Is something wrong with my eyes or was it completely intentional to make the cast and crew names at the start almost indecipherable? I could barely read any of the words on the screen. You would have needed to be watching this with a telescope to read the names. Anyways, onto the movie...

The story to the film is quite ho-hum but interesting enough to at least get you to watch it but it every time something is about to actually happen, it lets you down and shows nothing of interest. There are a few scenes which will grab you but it's not enough, there's just too many pointless conversations with all of the stereotypical foreign characters. If you don't like heavy accents, you won't like it either.

The basis on the movie is how Shade was killed and had the parasite re-animate him, which could have been a really cool scene but we never even get to see it. It's all off-screen which is what makes this film suffer as it is shot rather decently. I don't agree with some of the angles and effects used in certain scenes but it's not too bad.

The acting is okay, no great performances and a couple lousy performances (i.e. Chief of Police) but they do alright. The screenplay is a little confusing and jumps all over the place. The movie is very inconsistent with its pace and disappoints immensely. A few notably good gore effects hardly make up for this one and a half hour waste.

To sum it up, whenever you think something interesting is about to happen, it decides to stop and try again later and never pulls through. I'd avoid if I were you.

This movie is a complete dog, cant believe I insisted on staying up in the forlorn hope that it would get better as it progressed. We Brits are simply atrocious at making movies and this piece of crap does nothing more than reinforce this opinion in me. Yes there have been some great features to have left these shores, but as far as this movie fan is concerned, they are very few and way too far apart. I love movies, especially since TV is so dumbed down it's rarely worth turning it on other than for the news or a documentary of any kind which I believe we are exceptionally great at. But I could find no redeeming qualities in this beast of a movie at all. I guess Luke Goss may get some criticism for his acting abilities from some, personally I think the guy did OK. The real problem is the story and the script, complete and utter bollox on both counts. Me thinks they spent most of the budget on the chopper they hired for the aerial shots.

When Detective Mortimer Shade (Kevin Howarth) is somehow killed in a freezer, a parasite called Grall possesses his body, revives him, but he needs blood to stay alive. His partner John Dark (Luke Goss) accepts the new situation and together they become vigilantes, judging and killing the bad guys, with Shade sucking their blood with his claw. However, John notes that Shade is loosing the rest of humanity and becoming a monster, being aware and afraid of the danger Shade represents to mankind and trying to stop him.

"Cold & Dark" is a promising dark story, wasted with a bad and confused screenplay. The movie practically is linear, without plot point, and when it seems that it will reach an interesting situation, it deceptively fails and shows no twist. The cinematography and the music score are very good, the two lead actors work well, but the actor who performs the chief of police is ridicule and histrionic. The movie does not show how Shade was killed and how the alien parasite enters in his body. The open end of the story is also terrible and I honestly did not understand many inconclusive parts of the story. My vote is five.

Title (Brazil): "No Frio da Escuridão" ("In the Cold of the Darkness")

The initial premise of a Gothic cop and horror movie hybrid is a pretty good idea and certainly prompted me to hire out the film!!!! However the film is badly hampered by wooden acting, especially in the case of the Police Chief who reminded me of Kenric and Moss from a Black Adder the Third episode and seemed to be unable to grasp the difference between screen acting and stage acting, the main one being that you don't need to scream your lines at the camera!!!! Carly Turnbull's performance at Albany was very flat and while acceptable in places seemed like she spent the majority of the film reading her lines of an autocue!!!! Having said that the two main leads did put in a pretty good effort with Kevin Howarth, who I think is criminally underrated, proving his worth yet again as a villain by contributing a very convincing and creepy performance showing his characters descent from maverick cop to homicidal monster. Luke Goss did his best and put in a comparatively good performance. Also Matt Lucas cameo is well acted proving he can play straight as well.

Another resounding floor in the film has to be the Americanisation element, with the Police acting like American cops dressing like American cops and doing all but speaking in American accents!!!! The attempt to dress Luke Goss as Vin Diesel is especially frustrating. Also the parasite is a blatant copy of the stomach burster from the Alien quadrilogy!!!! The director Andrew Goth does well all being considered and uses the camera angles and cutting to good effect but with all the gaping plot holes and wooden acting he was unable to turn it around but as they said in Wayne's World "You cant polish a turd".

All in all a good idea that went horribly wrong!!!!!

Oh my dear god, please people, before slating any other film please watch this one first, who in their right mind eats a banana in the bath and then tries to feed some of it to their dog?????? What parasite? what happened in the freezer?? This takes ages to get started and by then interest ebbs away to the point where you just end up staring at the screen blankly. I thought Luke Goss was absolutely brilliant in the TV version of Frankenstein but sadly he seemed to lack any gusto in this bag of dead goats, who-ever wrote this seriously needs to choose a different career path as screenplays are Definitely not their forte. In short this film is an absolute must for either insomniacs or amateur brain-washers.It's dreadful!!

After being brought back from the dead by a parasitic creature, detective Shade is back on the street killing…and eating...bad guys. His partner, John Dark, realizes the situation is out-of-hand and tries to stop Shade before he fully transforms into a monster. This well-made by intensely boring British horror offering features good direction from Andrew Goth, who displays a strong visual style and a good eye for interesting camera angles. The entire cast gave very good performances, especially the golf-playing police chief (name of actor escapes me right now). The make-up effects were quite good, and if you like your horror movies gory…well, let's just say this is a VERY bloody flick and horror fans will not be disappointed in this department. Unfortunately, this is where the list of positive aspects ends. The plot is a big confusing mess, the violence is often mean-spirited, the narrative made no sense and the film is very poorly paced. Not unwatchably bad, but unfortunately dumb and dull. Oh, and did those CG shots of the worm-thing that comes out of Shade's hand look like crap or what?

3.5/10.

There was a lot of stuff I really liked in this movie. Quirky characters, excellent cinematography, moody lighting, great camera work and most of the characters did a good and believable performance.

It's not everyday you see that in a low budget movie. I think they did an excellent job in shooting this in a month.

I have to say that I am a bit disappointed with the ending after I had really enjoyed this movie all the way. But I can recommend this for anyone that concider themselves a horror buff.

Great looking women as well.

I wish more movies had the same enthusiasm in the creative process as this one did.

Good Stuff.

I recently saw this movie on DVD. Apparently I'm one of the few who like it. The director of photography did a great job! Kevin Howarth is brilliant as Mortimer Shade. He plays a silent, scary role whom you probably wouldn't like in real life. He does it very well. I also liked Matt Lucas as Dr. Elgin. I didn't like Luke Goss, half the time he sits in his bathtub. Maybe you can't follow when you see this movie one time, but when you see it a few times its very clear. The only thing that should have been better are the actor's names in the beginning, its very hard to read them. Its worth seeing. I think its a good movie but hey who am I :)

A standard good cop/bad cop film with a bit of a supernatural twist of an alien parasite that sadly doesn't really work that well. Dark and Shade are partners, Shade has tendencies to go over the boundaries of typical law enforcers. One day he survives a mysterious incident in a freezer and an alien parasite enters his body. I rather enjoyed the nihilistic tone, and there are moment that you think it MAY get better, sadly like empty promises that never come through, it doesn't. Hopefully, just like this film was a tad better than his previous "Everybody Loves Sunshine", Goth's next film, the Chow Yun Fat starring "The Wretched" will be a tad better than this. But even if it's not, the title will be apt at least.

My Grade: C-

Eye Candy: Christie Seary is topless, she's dead, but what are ya gonna do mate?; Carly Turnball shows a glimpse of ass, hopefully we'll see more of her in the future. A LOT more

I've been following this film for awhile, waiting for it's release after reading some blurbs on the net, and I was not disappointed. Sure, it's a low budget independent affair, but like previous reviewers here have said, this film certainly shows a lot of promise.

"Cold and Dark" is the mainly DARK story of two British cops, one of whom is infected with some sort of creature that allows him to take out bad guys that he and his partner have been trying to get.

I really liked the tone of this movie, and certainly the black humor (which it's fairly dripping with), and the pacing is really the kind that you don't see in films anymore these days. The opening introductions to the two main characters (played by ex-Brit pop star Luke Goss and Kevin Howarth) for example plays like a verbal ballet (and is shot and edited as such) leading up to the moment, fairly early in the pic where things really start turning ugly. And they really DO turn ugly (gore fans rejoice).

The performances, overall, were good, with special mention going to Matt Lucas (from the UK comedy show "Little Britain") as the sometimes zany / sometimes creepy paranormal investigator, and Kevin Howarth as the bad cop gone worse.

The only real disappointment was the way the story is rushed through the last act; you really don't get a breather at all as things wind-up to the slightly open conclusion (sequel?), but all- in-all the direction, writing and make-up really pull you through.

Looking forward to the reported next feature from this team, "The Wretched". It's supposed to be a kind of horror western, and I can see from some scenes in "Cold and Dark" that the director (aptly named Andrew Goth) is kinda building up to that: harmonica theme music and one or two long distance show-down scenes. Hopefully with a little more cash behind them, they'll be able to knock this one out of the park.

Hip little flick with some ballsy ambition. The director is a guy to watch. The plot was a little twisted, but watch it twice and it gets better. Matt Lucas as Dr. Elgin was a brilliant piece of casting. Kevin Howarth I'd already seen in Last Horror Picture, but in Cold & dark he really gets to flex his acting chops. His performance is mesmerising. Luke Goss plays a good number, very mean and moody. Kinda like Jason Statham. I liked the way Andrew Goth goes for the cinematic shot. This guy shoots for the big screen and it works. But you can feel the tension against the low budget cutting in. There was just not enough time to flesh the good stuff out. Great gore FX in some scenes. The cottage blood bath worked a treat! The team behind this film have got something. I'll track 'em. A Gothic Western next? Cool.

I was expecting a dire movie based on the comments and ratings i read here on IMDb, but was pleasantly surprised by the format of this movie.

Luke Goss shows once again that he can act (better than he can sing, i might add) His monologues help the slow plot along its course, and kept me interested (contrary to other comments made here) Kevin Howarth's dark, and brooding presence isn't compelling viewing, but does give rise to questions (hard to explain without giving a spoiler) Overall the movie is a change from the over acted, over SFX'd and over budgeted offerings coming from Hollywood, and one should remember that it is Director Andrew Goths second production, and all have to start somewhere, incidentally his next movie Gallowwalker has Wesley Snipes as the lead, so someone, somewhere has fronted some cash, trusting Goth's skills

I downloaded this movie because I had nothing better to do. I kind of expected to see a cool 'who-did-it' slasher flick; generic story, lots of gore, okay cinematography, etc. This movie was almost the exact opposite. The story was actually kind of interesting; a detective who's life was taken away is given a second chance due to a symbiotic parasite, but in exchange, must feed off human bodies to maintain both himself and the parasite. You could tell by watching the movie that the director tried to make it seem 'cool', by moving at a subtle, slow pace in order to deviate from a typical slasher flick. But he fails miserably. The movie is too dreadfully slow, the character development leaves much to be desired (which is almost a good thing sometimes...what was up with that Captain or General person who plays golf?). Also, some of the scenes were just plain weird. Near the end, when the female detective was sitting at the bench with the two guards in the towers, what went on there? Did she walk back to Johns house with a head wound, just in time for it to start bleeding? I found that to be a highly stupid sequence of events.

Overall, I thought this movie was fairly bad; I know nothing about the director, but the level that this movie sits at makes me think it's possibly his first, and hopefully his last.

I give this movie a 4/10.

Two bad cops trying to defeat all evil in todays society with a surprise hidden in a arm! This movie never gets interesting even though that the beginning try to hook you up. It's a slow moving story with a very very bad contents - unbelievable that such poor scripts still are made. The change of scenes are bad timed, and the focus in some of the scenes are also unbelievable poor. For example when one of the cops is in the bath and he starts eating a banana! To put it short, very poor movie based on a even more poor script. I simply can not believable that such bad movie still are produced.

If I have to mention a good thing, it could be the rotating camera angels at the beginning, but then again is this not standard in most movies?

"Cold and Dark" is a major missed opportunity and really should've been much better.

**SPOILERS**

Commended for his police work, John Dark, (Luke Goss) is set up with the mysterious Mortimer Slade, (Kevin Howarth) for his new partner. Finding that drug kingpin Ernie Stein, (James Whale) is still loose despite tons of evidence indicating his involvement, they decide to take it personal. When his employees start turning up dead, Internal Affairs agent Albany, (Carly Turnbull) is assigned to the case, but nothing is turned up. Continuing on with the case, he gradually starts to realize that something is wrong, and soon finds that a parasitic creature known as a Grail has taken over their bodies and is using them to extract their own brand of vigilante justice and feeding off the blood-lust. With the help of Dr. Elgin, (Matt Lucas) who helped to engineer the creature, they head out to stop his rampage when he murders an innocent victim and brings out a darker side of the vigilante style than they wanted to confront.

The Good News: When this one tried to, there was some great stuff in here. One of the best is the nearly outstanding amount of gore on display. This one is certainly messy, getting a lot of out there and into the film. There's several brutal attacks committed off-screen and later see the completely mangled and brutalized appearances, tons of splatter hitting the surroundings, and then the more clear-cut results, including chests torn open, scratches across the face and stomach, an arm completely bitten away, being impaled on a fishing ship anchor, as well as seeing a parasite erupt from a wound in the hand that literally drips blood as it bursts out from the skin and snakes around to face the potential victim. It's also got a couple of nice action scenes to keep the interest. There is one excellent attack, the first time the newfound power is shown, inside a filthy public bathroom stall that plays out from the perspective of a young man who becomes witness to the mauling taking place in the stall next to him but who can't see what's going on outside. The execution of this scene is really thrilling, as the coldness and complete inability to determine what's going on is contrasted with the brutality heard from the slashing being made and the insane amount of blood splattered into view. The other moment in here is the very scene where Dark experiences his transformation. We never actually see what happens other than a few screams and gunshots from off-screen, but when he comes running into the room to find his lifeless yet unmarked body only for him to get right up and walk away as if nothing happened, followed moments later by a corpse spontaneously combusting up in the rafters, it leaves a great impression that makes up for the fact that it is never explained or even discussed again. Despite all this, the very fact that it's so potentially great is the best thing about it. The parasite angle works well and comes off well within the vigilante angle, there's a potential for a ton of targets to go after and it's all well-done, leaving this one to be enjoyable at the right time.

The Bad News: This one this was a little problematic. One of the biggest flaws is that the film is way too confusing for its own good. The film jams a ton of subplots into its run-times, which wouldn't be so bad if the film wasn't so clichéd and predictable to begin with. As such, the fractured mess that is the film's narrative comes across more like an attempt to confuse and confound the audience, believing that the simplicity of the story would be too apparent if shown with clarity. There's no need to have as many as this one does, which is where it gets off-track since that also throws up the one main flaw apparent, it's too boring to get into. This one has the potential to keep the viewer with an interesting and original attempt that would've been enjoyable, yet because it introduces all the different plots together, it makes the movie as muddled as possible and just dull to get going to the action. Surprisingly, there's really not a lot of visceral action in the movie, another huge flaw. Most of the attacks by the creature take place off-screen, with the after effects shown in sometimes gruesome detail. It has a great idea, but lacks considerably because, by insinuating more violence than it actually shows, it really neuters the fear the creature could've brought. It gets old seeing all the brutality done off-screen, as it gets to the point where the viewer wants to see all the action. The last flaw to this is that the look of this is pretty terrible. Among the bigger ones is that the film relies on hand-held cameras to get that immediacy during some of the attack sequences, even though there's nothing to get a closer look at. Even more so, virtually every single scene is dimly lit in a bluish glowing manner. That creates the mood of a film visually coated in a somber mood, with much of the action seen through those darkly tinted blue lens. It creates a feeling of boredom matched by the sluggish pace, and it just doesn't work at all. These here are what hurt the film.

The Final Verdict: Bristling with potential but instead comes across without too much that really works, lowering it significantly. Give it a shot if you find films like these fun or in the mood for a more slow-burning creature feature, though those who prefer more action or more traditional fare should heed caution.

Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language and Brief Nudity

"Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and still doesn't die."

Vice Sergeant detective John Dark(Luke Goss, who seems more worried about how cool he looks on screen)realizes that his new, well dressed partner, "Governor" Morty DC Shade(Kevin Howarth, who grows more and more creepy and menacing as the film continues)was actually killed in a raid on slave runners gone awry, revived by the blood of a foreign girl which gives birth to a creature(..labeled a "grail" by a kooky member of internal affairs, Dr. Elgin portrayed by bald-headed Matt Lucas)inside him. The grail yearns for blood, slowly transforming the host, creating a monster which replaces Shade overtime. Shade begins attacking those behind the slave-running operation which moves underage girls from country to country illegally for prostitution purposes, and Dark stands pat because playing by the rules hasn't brought the "bad guys" to justice. But, when Shade attacks a decoy placed in harm's way by the mastermind behind the entire slave-running operation, Dark convinces himself that the monster must be destroyed before things really get out of control. Albany(Carly Turnbull), a secret agent keeping a member of the slave-running organization safe because of his testimonies against his comrades in exchange for favors, butts heads with Dark when those associated with her client are turning up dead, horribly disfigured by some sort of beast with a nasty overbite. Soon Dark and Shade will have to duke it out or else the monster poses danger to the human race at large, not just those undesirables which break laws and pose a threat to society.

Director Andrew Goth presents a flashy neo-noir Gothic horror flick which also works as a variation on the vampire theme and cop drama. The British-speak is on display and the tough-talking detectives ooze machismo. The villains of the film are rather undeveloped, only serving the plot as delicacies for Shade's vampiric monster, which emerges from a hole in his hand(..also, before the monster appears, long nails burst forth from Shade's fingers). Goth's style is ambitious and flamboyant as he uses all types of camera set-ups and movements, attempting visually, it seems, to make up for the paper-thin plot. Without the creature, this is just another Death Wish variant with Shade replacing Bronson's vengeance seeking vigilante, out for his own brand of justice. The heavies in the film are colorful, but they appear, are killed, and disappear..card board characters placed in the film as vermin for extermination. One member of the slave-ring, a woman needing money for her young son, Tommy(Rhys Moosa),who forges passports, is developed a bit because we do need some sort of sympathetic character in this film, other than agent Albany(..who often seems but a mere robot doing her duty to prevent harm towards her voice into a major operation she wishes to demolish)for when you have a story seething with such corrupted sorts and coppers stooping to their level to "clean the streets", it's nice to find someone to care about if even slightly. The attacks are often committed in a way to not show the creature eating inside it's victims perhaps due to budget constraints(..instead we are privy to the pleasured expression on Shade's face as he "feeds"). The creature is also rather shown quickly, never fully visible too long on screen, perhaps because it's created through CGI, which would expose how unrealistic it is. A lot is left to our imagination, that's for sure. Shade looks more and more like a vampire as the film moves along, his eyes absent of humanity, as he carries a ferocious visage. He really looks like a human monster by the film's climax. The film doesn't go out of it's way to explain how this creature came to be and the entire warehouse sequence where people died, including Shade(..the director follows Dark as he attempts to find his partner and the two slave-runners who were party to this particular exchange), occurs away from our eyes. Merely a hanging female corpse whose blood drops gave new life to Shade, combusting into flame, is our reason for the creature's existence.

Moody, strange and very dark. Mort Shade(Kevin Howarth)and John Dark(Luke Goss)are a pair of police detectives working with the vice squad in a notoriously rough neighborhood near the docks. When Mort is killed in an altercation in a refrigerated warehouse, Detective Dark leaves the scene to get help...only to return and find his partner alive and well. Soon some of the hardest to touch criminals Shade and Dark have been tracking turn up deader than dead. Dark discovers that his parter has been possessed by a bloodthirsty evil entity that is responsible for the savage killings. Other cast members: Carly Turnbull, Carrie Clarke, Matt Lucas and Jake Curran.

I so wanted this film to be good after watching the trailer - it certainly had some potential seeing that it was British, promised to score high on the gore/violenceometer, starred ex-pop star Luke Goss (not an indication that one should anticipate a film of any quality, but in the trailer at least he appeared promising) and on top of all this featured none other than jolly old bonkers Matt Lucas for good measure.

Apart from one scene in a toilet where our fairly derivative "monster" does the business (and briefly woke me up), this film is the most pretentious, woodenly acted drivel I have witnessed since - well, not that long ago... I still remember "Underworld"...Pant's more like, but I digress...

The script seems to have been written acknowledging that most of the "actors" can't. This becomes most apparent when after around about 70 interminable minutes enter Matt Lucas, with an almost (I said almost!) Shakesperean flair - Oh joy! he speaks the first natural dialogue in the film! Sub Dr Who nonsense. Avoid.

I ended up switching it off after the first ten minutes or so. The story starts with Luke Goss (of Bros fame), pretending to be a double-hard b@stard. Except he sounds and looks like a bum bandit with a penchant for fake tanning products.

The story then managed to drag itself through the next ten whole minutes making me feel really really bad about the impression us Brits have on the rest of the world, if this is the calibre of movie making in our country.

There are many words to describe this movie, but to be honest I wasted ten valuable minutes of my life watching it, so don't think that another ten minutes spent writing about it is wise.

Simply put......don't bother.......

Hey girls of age twenty-seven to thirty! Remember during the late nineteen eighties when the boy band as an industry was emerging and you had New Kids on the Block and Brother Beyond and Then Jericho and stuff and Bros? Remember Bros? They asked regarding the time when they would in actual fact be famous...remember? Then they politely requested that people should stop referring to them as being below legal age in the song 'Drop the Boy'...remember that rubbish? And remember when they suggested to society in general that the best way to get rid of the so-called vermin problem affecting most inner city folks was to put 'A Cat amongst the pigeons?' Remember? I bet you do.

Well anyways Bros are back! In singular form! Which means that basically one of the brothers (and not the dark haired guy) has an acting career. I'm not sure if this one was the one that played the drums or the other one that sung like Alison Moyet with a throat infection (I'm betting the drummer) but they are represented here in this British horror film by at least one of them, unless they had come up with the ingenious idea of swapping places during the film, and splitting the cash, which is what identical twins do (they also share sexual partners. I know identical twins and they really do this). Anyways - Matt Goss has already appeared in Blade 2 (can't remember anything about it) and some TV programme called Frankenstein. I bet either of those weren't as bad as this! Cos this is a British horror film called Cold and Dark which takes the worst elements of gangster movies like Snatch and Tw*t and couples them with the worst points of horror movies like jump cuts, MTV editing, and gore for the sake of gore. I like gore, but it has to have some sort of purpose, angle, or stupidity. I hate it when gore is included for the sake of gore. It makes me want to vomit and then play with the vomit and then when my missus comes home from work I show her the vomit and ask to be rewarded for drawing a picture out of Greggs chicken sandwiches (half-digested) and milk.

Matt Gloss is a cop of the rough diamond ilk, which means he lives alone in his bath, has an Irish wolfhound and talks in a gruff manner that belies his actual more high-pitched speaking voice which in turn renders most of his dialogue inaudible. I thought there was something wrong with my television until I checked out the IMDb and found that others had the same problem. After about twenty minutes of this my brain started to translate these mumblings in order to construct some sort of understanding of the plot, but generated W S Burroughs style cut-ups like: "Half grain to Slo Mo. Been bent to arab until sock time." "Barouqe. Halo in derby scribe." "Ben beam. Garrote Charlie at half nine."

I better try to outline the plot here before I go on. The first twenty minutes were almost indecipherable to me and the missus. After some barely legible titles, Matt Goss mumbles something I couldn't quite hear about burying someone, then the film jumps between moments (shades of Shallow Grave here), then he's talking about his partner who 'always work alone', then more mumbling about refugee trafficking, then more nonsense. There were so many jump cuts at the start that I couldn't get a handle on what was going on. Everntually I figured out that the cops (Matt Goss (Inspector Dark) and his partner Some Guy (Inspector Shade)) were trying to uncover an illegal slave importing thing, and head off to the docks to check things out blah blah blah.

It isn't really worth telling. The cop that isn't Matt Goss is infected in a really confusing scene by a monster called The Grail and uses his monstrousness to kill all the bad folk, but in the end must be destroyed by Matt Toss cos he's evil or something. There is some gore but the whole plot is totally implausible and incomprehensible and so outlandish that I was compelled to turn it off but didn't.

Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame turns up near the end as a member of an obscure Paranormal branch of the Police and merely acts out one of his limited characters, this one being the old school British academic. It adds nothing to the film except a bit of exposition, and I can't believe that he delivered some of the lines he was given.

For example. Matt Dross becomes involved with a member of Internal Affairs. After a very confusing scene she ends up at his house with a head wound, and he whisks her off to hospital, where evil monster cop attacks. In the end it seems that Matt Floss is now the monster and he carries her body out into the night, where Matt Lucas and his fellow interal affairs guy witness them leaving (after calling for backup, which never appears). What follows is the diabolical dialogue they have to speak: Internal affairs guy: He doesn't have the authority to do that (watching Matt Moss carry the chick away) Matt Lucas: True, but he does have the power...

WHAT THE F*** DOES THAT MEAN? Matt Goss merely mumbles through the film, which confuses an already confused script, whereas the gore and the usual MTV style editing merely bursts your a** This is a lengthy review, but the missus summed it up nicely: 'That was f**king sh*te' she said.

Root canals without anesthetic are more fun. They let potential suicides watch this movie, just so they know that there are REALLY people out there who deserve to die.... such as the scriptwriter for this film. The directors name is Goth? I was going to look this up to see if it was real, but then realized I don't care. If he didn't make that name up, he certainly should have. "Failure of imagination" should be this guy's middle name. Anyone who rated this thing higher than 1 star needs to go see their "dealer" immediately, and demand a refund, or at least something that isn't cut with strychnine. Random detritus: The title comes from (how clever) the screen names of the two lead characters, one of whom is named "Cold" and the other of whom is NOT NAMED DARK. Guess that would have been "far too clichéd" for the "high level talent" they hired to script this "monster". The visual highlite of this film is a scene (I wish I were making this up) that depicts, in all it's raw power and majesty, a British men's bathroom Glory Hole (!!!) (Vomit at your own discretion). Another post comments that there is a Rubiks cube in this same scene. That is probably true, but I would have to re-watch this "horror" to verify that this is true, and I will do that the day after they remove both my eyeballs. Movies I liked less than this one: Reds (worst film of all time). 90% of everything that has "National Lampoon" in the title. Freddy Got Fingered. Joe Dirt. Die Hard 2. Movies I liked more than this: Faces of Death 18: Girls Gone Wild Edition. "A Starters Guide to Holistic Proctology". Any Driver's Ed film. Home movies of my bachelor party (don't laugh at my pain, please).

In sum: A random pick from basic cable is going to be a much wiser investment of your time. Just close your eyes and hit the buttons on your remote. You may thank me later.

For the most part, as well as the fact that I'm very lazy, I'll just agree what most of the other negative reviews have said.

There was a few moments of good camera work and one or two effects scenes that worked OK. But that's enough of the positives.

My biggest problem with this film is Luke Goss's narration. What the hell? His accent when on-screen appears to be a blend of his normal one and Eton educated posh kid.

However, during the narration, it appears to change considerably and consistently. From what I can tell he is trying to sound American.

It just sounds like an embarrassing combination of Brooklyn cab driver and confused Welshman.

In short his accent, like the rest of this film, is awful.

It frustrates me that the UK has such potential when it comes to film making, yet every film we make tries so damn hard to appeal to the American market. This is a shame for both us and any actual American audience that would like to see authentic British films.

To be honest, I think people could film something better on a mobile phone.