The Most Valuable Pussy (1975) watch online HD

Quality performers raise the value of a sloppy porn film memorably titled MOST VALUABLE PUSSY. Alpha Blue Archives reissued it under the slightly cleaned-up moniker MOST VALUABLE SLUT, but a sow's ear is still a sow's ear.

Format is an asinine TV game show to select the year's MVP = Most Valuable Pussy. Tyler Reynolds, he of the ridiculous sideburns, is host, and as Lily Lipstick, my favorite Joan Devlon is wasted as the nude answer to Vanna White, interrupting the program with dumb lipstick commercials.

Contestants display the beauty of their (unshaved) pussies, but this being hardcore porn each is obliged to do some humping for the benefit of the judges and the TV audience. Reynolds joins in to shtup the first contestant Rita (Veronica Taylor) on a convenient mattress set up on a very bare stage. This film (and TV show within the film) has extremely poor production values.

A comical touch is the recurring gimmick of heavy audience applause piped in whenever some sex act is initiated, and especially to greet the money shots. Mark Burnett, take note.

Judge Joey Silvera (comically cast as a Bowery bum who hasn't been laid since 1952) gets to hump a girl named Dusky from Biloxi, uncredited on screen or in IMDb. A narrator keeps up an idiotic color commentary as we watch the porn antics, with such dumb remarks as: "This is surely a justified judicial ejaculation".

Desiree West is up next, humped by Black porn actor Dashile Miguele. I thought she was going to win the contest, but -you'll have to watch it to see what transpires.

West's frequent co-star Dianne Galke as Loretta services judge John Seeman back stage in an annoyingly dumb sequence where she lectures about sex and he does moronic ad libs. Seeman is cast as a 1-hit wonder recording artist who scored in 1958 with "Rubber Baby" but complains about being poorly promoted.

Dottie from Nevada (instantly recognizable Toni Scott with her huge frizzy hairdo) gets raped on the air by a stage hand (Turk Lyon), putting into question her ultimate eligibility for the prize, but she does a good job, humped with a cucumber from Lyon's brown-bag lunch and then treated to anal sex as Stevie Wonder's "I Was Born to Love You" plays on the soundtrack.

Other musical accompaniment includes "Aquarius", bookending the film, my most-hated "Classical Gas", "Ode to Billy Joe" and then an appropriate reggae tune "Stir It Up".

No auteur signed this movie, and its sloppiness is pretty awful. A roommate to Desiree in the dressing room backstage named Pam (busty and lovely Susan Catherine) is given a big buildup but never shows up as one of the contestants. The femme narrator who recites play-by-play frequently fumbles her voice-over, at one point unable to think up good ad libs, when it should have been written out ahead of time: it's Voice-over!