Agent 69 (2017) watch online HD

A new supplier for Adam & Eve content Jay Allan proves to be No-Talent Jay, on the basis of this 3-hour spy "thriller" that is all sex & filler with no action. If Jay were auditioning for a mainstream gig, even directing a Z-level low-budget movie, he would be laughed out of the room.

I found this especially surprising because star Eva Lovia had already toplined in an excellent, exciting Adult action/spy movie for rival label Digital Playground: "Monarch", made in England by Dick Bush. It has the hot sex scenes required for XXX content, but also lavish set-pieces, SPFX, violence, etc. None of these occur here.

Instead we get 4 sex scenes drawn out over the 3 hours, clearly briefer in the Pay-Cable softcore edition the director speaks of in the BTS shown on the 2nd (and useless) disk of a 2-DVD package. That marketing ploy is an attempt to impress the consumer with the importance of the release, hailing back to the success of those "Pirate" movies from Digital Playground (teaming up ironically with Adam & Eve) a decade earlier. The BTS is over an hour long, and worthless. The 2nd disk also features two "Bonus Scenes", one of which turns out to be a 3-minute clip of Sara Luvv taking a shower in one of Kay Brandt's "Baumgartners" movies.

Back to "Agent 69" - Eva plays title agent Eva Sterling, assigned to retrieve a stolen encrypted thumb drive that could expose US undercover intelligence agents. She's working for the NSA or CIA (I couldn't pin down which, not that it matters), and her chief operative is Mick Blue as Kessler. The two of them track down bad guys that are all lovely porn starlets: Elsa Jean and Honey Gold, with tall and mysterious Alex Harper also a key cast member.

The sex is routine but drawn-out, as director Allan likes to deliver half-hour long hump scenes in the modern manner (designed for individual streaming). Needless to say, they bring any forward motion of the story to a halt.

Because there are no shoot-outs, violence of any sort, chase scenes or even minimal action set-pieces, Allan fills the running time that isn't sex or exposition blather with location shots, people walking around or cars driving around. For the film buff in me (putting porn aside for the moment) it plays like a parody of dull action movies, namely including all the dullness of real life (or continuity for that matter from a film editor's point-of-view) that Hitchcock explained one should omit. So perhaps there is a teachable lesson here for film students.

The ending and tying up of loose plot threads is so disappointing I'm sure my jaw literally dropped during the final uneventful reel - you gotta see it to believe it.

Cast is lackluster -attractive femmes minus any bombastic big-breasted bombshell, and very poor, wooden acting from the supporting cast (Lovia is a talented actress) which only proves that the current crop of starlets including Alex, Honey and superstar Elsa have been toiling in all-sex assignments when they should have been given acting/character roles to learn their craft. Just another negative by-product of the recent slide of Adult Cinema into gonzo land.